On the 8th day, there was Peanut Butter 4/13

Never mind centuries of observation and study by scientists, let this asshole tell you about peanut butter and the mystery of creation shall be revealed.



This came from a forum on Allakhazam.com by Smasharoo. I have thoughts about how stupid this is, and they are beating my skull to get out. I’m busy right now, though, so commentary will have to wait for later.

Own the Awesomeness 4/10

If you play video games you might very well have a stack of them. You might even have two stacks of them. Hell, you might have a couple shelves on a bookcase or entertainment center full of them! I know that you’re proud of your collection. Imagine how proud you would be if you had this collection:

Or this bench:

I bet that looking at those images and then your own pile you hear the words “is it in yet?” somewhere in the background, don’t you?

Hate video games if you want, but this shows dedication and some reverence from the collector. He could use a bigger TV, or at least a flat screen…

Look at me, spitting on his TV in the face of all those games! For shame. Then again, if you read his FAQ he clearly takes a lot of shit from people. It’s defensive from the get go, I presume because of all the people who (ironically while at a computer) email him and tell him that he has no life. Maybe they complain about his TV…

Look, fella, let me offer some advice. OWN IT. You are not alone in this world. Sony can sell America 40 million PlayStations, that’s a lot of us. Sure, against 300 million it might seem small, but then again you have to remember that you have to move the number pretty far back to reach any kind of common denominator in this country. (We all live on the same hemisphere, hooray!) We’re Democrat, Republican, NASCAR, Rally, trains, jets, flowers, books, dogs, money, and potatoes, whatever. Tens of millions is a lot of people. Worldwide that number skyrockets.

Don’t be ashamed of this. Your FAQ tells me that somehow you are, a little bit. Don’t read those emails, and don’t respond to them, let alone have a FAQ about it. By doing so you are only encouraging the assholes to send you more emails. I know you don’t spend your time sending emails to a guy who collects oil cans that he’s wasting his time, so don’t bother with the fools who sent you insulting messages. They’re worthless and arguing with them will do nothing. They don’t want to have their minds changed, they just want to feel better about themselves a little bit by poking fun at you.

I knew a guy, late 40s, beautiful kids, and a fabulous wife who had a game room like yours. It was so fantastic it was featured on a local PBS show about collectors. You’re legit, man. You’re one of the good ones. Your FAQ can be free of the defensive language and focus on why you rock so much.

Screw everyone else. And get a bigger TV…

Let's eat unicorns 4/9

I know that asking you to watch Legend with Tom Cruise might be only slightly easier than asking you to drink jet fuel, but I implore you to do so. Not for the Cruise-man, though. No, no! Watch it for Tim Curry as Darkness.

Here he is, pretty impressive, eh? Considering the age of this film, the make-up done for him is stunning. Curry’s expressive maw is the only thing visible from his real face while massive, black horns reach up and out from his red, pointy eared, double chinned devil face. The only thing that might have made this costume, pardon the pun, legendary would be if it had come complete with wings. Again, considering the age of the film I am glad they didn’t do them, but still…

As a devil and Lord of Darkness, he seeks to kill the last unicorns and put the lights out forever on the rest of the world. I like my daylight but I’m all for fewer unicorns in the world so already he has my vote. This character, even with his tiny screen time, made a huge impression on me. From the first teases of his form seen on screen to his eventual unveiling we are in awe of him.

I don’t feel one way or the other about devils and demons, but I know that some are supposed to frighten you all the time and some are supposed to tempt you. Darkness appears and scares the bejesus out of the maiden in the film (name not really important) and then he gives her dinner and a new dress. He, dare I say it, seduces her over dinner. No mind tricks, no false appearances, just Darkness, his horns, claws, and red skin. That’s a devil with some balls.

I think that more than a few people were impressed by this make up effect. Notice the Dreadlord from World of Warcraft:


Aside from the wings and very not red skin, they are very similar.

I really admire film makers that are ready to push the envelope a bit in terms of imagery and effects. Ridley Scott did not go for the cheesy animation or, worse yet, the “demon is Al Pacino” device. You know what I mean, it’s when someone at the studio thinks “let’s have the devil but make him Gabriel Byrne and let Arnold punch him.”

You know what, the Devil, demons, arch-fiends of hell; they are supposed to be powerful and completely frightening. Keating from Usual Suspects does not scare me. I suppose you could argue that Kaiser Soze was the devil there, but that’s not my point.

Why ruin a great monster by saying that he has assumed a human form? Give me horns! Give me a forked tongue and black talons! Then have that thing give me dinner and lure me in with temptations beyond my wildest dreams. Devils are more than mindless imps with spears and ill tempers.

Watch Legend, it’s ok if you fast forward through the Tom stuff, I forgive you.

Clouds, gas, red stars. 4/7

Well here we are, another Saturday. I had so much fun with last week’s Star Blazers that I have another one this weekend.

This episode has an appearance by Desslok, the best villain ever. Ever. He is such a pimp that he doesn't even care to watch the destruction of the Star Force. He has other IMPORTANT things to do. Best villain ever. EVER.

Notice how there is conflict between Captain Avatar and Wildstar. Name one other show from when you were a kid where an old man struck his weapons officer while struggling to hide his terminal radiation poisoning?

You can’t can you? I love this show



Part 2



Conclusion



Also you get to see Mark Venture do some bad ass battleship flying. He was always my favorite underdog on the show. While Conroy had the Black Tigers, he had to deal with Wildstar on occasion. Venture drove the ship. No one else did it, just him. And later he and Wildstar will fall in love with the same woman. Once again, name another show like this one. I dare you.

You never know when you need a towel 4/5

My mind is elsewhere today, so take a look at this show from, where else, Japan.


Worst. Resort. Ever.

Purge the level, Kid! 4/4

Here’s Space Griffon VF-9. It was what the locals call an RPG for the PlayStation back in the late 90’s. You had your character, Kid, and you took him through a spooky robot shooter/adventure on the moon. I know, it sounds awesome, right?

So back a few winters a friend of mine and I decided that we needed to get snowed in somewhere, not go to work, and play Space Griffon and WipeoutXL. As with the best of all well laid out plans we didn’t factor in the lack of money or food, so we went to his uncle’s house to take advantage of his out-of-the-state-ness. I know, you’re wondering how we could drive from house to house if it was snowy enough to keep us from work. I can’t give you an answer except that Toyata Tercels from 1980 were great at getting around in the snow, just not to your job.

Anywho, the game was an early PlayStation game complete with the odd long box the CD ROMS came in back then. Vaguely 3-D, it asked you to navigate the labyrinthine hallways of the moon base and kill the aliens. I was amazed that a moon base for people was built with 50 foot ceilings and thus not a problem for your transforming robot to navigate, but then what do I know about designing moon bases?

There was a story; I have long since forgotten most of it. I do remember that your buddies would sometimes show up as possessed aliens, though. One particular favorite of mine involved a teammate called “Rozzin” or something. I bet I got that wrong, but I don’t care enough to look it up.

Rozzin shows up – with clear signs of zombification and tentacles – and Kid is completely unaware that his friend never had tentacles before.

“Rozzin, what did you find?”

“Moooaawwwwrrrrrgh!”

“Rozzin, have you seen anything out of the ordinary?”

“Moooaawwwwrrrrrgh!”

Shakespeare it was not.

The game wasn’t all bad, I mean you got a little shooter action, your robot had 3 modes (2 good ones) and there was a story. Mind you the story was mostly this: Strange stuff happens, the team splits up, and you are left by yourself. Stuff happens.

Almost without fail, once you find ‘stuff’ you are told over the radio by your jerk boss to “purge the level, Kid!” Great. Make the new guy, who you have left COMPLETELY alone, kill all the monsters. Never mind that there are 3 other teammates to help, they are busy making out somewhere or getting tentacles added to their faces and can’t help you. You are on your own.

Did I mention that the robots had finite amounts of ammunition? Oh yeah. Even your lasers had capacitors or something. Hell, your ARMOR would wear off after enough combat. This led to an unfortunate end for us as we had just enough resources left for the final boss to take him ALMOST all the way down before having to resort to ramming our robot into it in the hopes that we might take him with us. It was not to be.

Heartbroken, we ditched the game somehow. Returned it or traded it, I don’t remember. Years later we picked it up for less than $5 and eagerly popped it into the PS2 to relive some of the level purging glory.

Somehow the game had lost its luster. It was like watching the old live action Spider-Man again. When you were a kid it was fantastic! Now it looks really awful. It was the same feeling for us.

I wonder what would have happened had we hung onto that game…

Next time, do it online, trust me 4/3

While provided the opportunity to wait for 39 minutes at the Department of Licensing I had some time to consider my hosts and their operation. Now I know that ripping on the DOL is a cliché, a kind of Seinfeldian commonality that, if expressed as a number, might be ‘c’. In this case, however, it wasn’t the wait that bothered me since they only had 3 people to staff all 6 windows (the other 7 in the back had important sandwiches to eat). I understand that there are other humans in the room and each one deserves their 4 minutes with a clerk and 1 minute of asking why they don’t take debit yet after THEIR 39 minute wait. I’m not a jerk.

How-fucking-ever…

(*Caution, a rant follows. Children and plump Gap Managers should leave the room immediately.)

Can someone tell me why it is that I have to go through this earthly purgatory every year if I only have to get an emission check every OTHER year? I’m not asking for cheaper fees - though, you know, help us all out here and kick a few bucks back, please - I’ll pay the full price for two years but for the love of Christ do I have to do it every year instead of every other year? As much as I enjoy being in a room with the 60 year old man who’s tired of counters and clerks, as strange as the perfume is that the housewife in the red windbreaker always seems to wear, as bewildered as the rich lady is that she has to take a number and wait even though she has an appointment, I….shit, I lost my train of thought. Those people suck.

This much needed institution should not be confused with the DMV (Department of Motherfucking Vondrukes) that gives you licenses. Yes, it’s not called the Department of Licensing (that’s where you get your tabs) it’s the Department of Motor Vehicles. Not licensing, though it’s where you go to get your license. I can only imagine that this is to keep the guy who makes the little signs that tell you to go to the DMV for your Drivers License in business with a nice home and happy, hale children. And don’t worry; the DMV is miles from any DOL no matter where you go.

Why is that? Why aren’t they in the same place, or the same strip mall for that matter? Am I mistaken in that they are both State programs? Are they somehow like kryptonite to each other? Would a positive DOL ion annihilate a negative DMV anion? I’m so confused.

I know you’re going to tell me that you can get them online, right? Well, yes and no. You can renew online ahead of time (notice your reminder shows up a good couple months before the expiration date) and if luck is on your side you will get your tabs in the mail before the old ones expire. I have to wonder how it is that their website has mastered the ancient and secret art of debit cards while their brick and mortar stores have not. There’s a catch, though. What if you need new plates? What if the month is going to be up before you would get your new tabs? You get to go stand in the DOL and not get helped since you aren’t allowed to get a number! You get to stand at a specified window and be ignored for a while. You know it’s your turn soon when the asshole behind you begins to make a scene about it to the uncaring girl eating an apple in the back.

If you’re like every other normal person you will wait until the last minute so off to the DOL you go.

Today I also learned that we are required to get new plates every 7 years. Why? No really, why? My dad had plates on his ’85 Oldsmobile for almost twenty fucking years and they survived just fine. Hell, all the RAIN we get didn’t hurt them! The front plate, despite being subjected to speeds topping 80 mph NEVER faltered! I don’t understand why they should be replaced every 7 years.

Is there a Soviet spy out there quietly deciphering our plates? Are the car thieves confused by new numbers? Are today’s prisoners not as adept at making plates as those of yesteryear?

I can only guess it’s a grab for our money.

I noticed that there was an RTA tax on my receipt still. Never mind that in 10 years I have yet to see any light rail ANYWHERE near my county, let alone my city, I feel like I’m being ripped off. I even voted for the damned thing eons ago. Had I known that it would have meant a decade of no results and probable squandering/embezzlement I would have checked ‘no’ and been done with it.

I don’t mind emissions testing (they just plug into the car and the computers talk for a second or two nowadays) and I don’t really mind the waiting so much. I do mind that it seems like a lumbering carbuncle on the back of society. I hate that feeling that this service could be massively streamlined at the speed of thought by any social engineer with a partial degree. I hate that they just can’t ask for my money without lying and giving me new plates for some reason or taxing me for a MacGuffin will never be realized.

I also hate the chunky lady on her cell phone talking to her employees at the Gap. You know what, lady, you suck. No one likes you. You didn’t need to call your store and talk about NOTHING for 15 minutes - loudly. I don’t care what you do for a living; take the fucking call outside you human canker. Failing that, use an inside voice, they can fucking hear you on the other side, I promise you. FUCK.

Maybe I can just go to the dentist and listen to them drill into teeth while I wait, it’s much more relaxing than the DOL.